Life is sometimes harsh. Consider today:
5.55am Awake in the darkness to discover pillow half-smothering husband. Rearrange self and note time. Wonder why I woke up.
6.05am Awake again as arms have gone to sleep and are in danger of dropping off.
7.00am Rudely awoken by vibrating mobile phone under pillow. I had set alarm in bid to get earlier bus to work to a) be on time for once and b) avoid receptionist.
7.10am I must have hit snooze. Awake from dream in which work colleagues and I are on a plane eating cheese sandwiches.
7.17am Leap out of bed in a panic – I am heading for 8am bus. I will never make it.
7.23am Get out of shower and look in mirror. I forgot to take off make up last nite. I resemble giant panda. I have run out of make up wipes of course.
7.25am Why won’t toothpaste stay on toothbrush? Why is it so difficult to coordinate the paste application? Why does teeth enamel not grow back?
7.29am Why is Huey Lewis on the radio?
7.35am Drying hair, drying hair, drying hair
7.41am Straightening hair, straightening hair – I am never going to make bus
7.45am I could not bother with make up. Frankly, why do I bother as there is no reason not to look haggard at work. There is no potential movie star meeting scenario that I might have to look good for between here and Maryhill. It’s just a waste of make up. There’s no point.
7.46am Putting on make up, make up, make up, putting on make up, make up now.
7.50am I could still make it. If I hurry, I could get to bus stop on time I am sure.
7.51am Why do all my socks hate each other and have to separate as soon as I pair them? Find something half way uncreased, sling it on. Get coat on, get out of door, leg it to bus stop.
7.58am Where is bus? It’s due at 8am and is always a few minutes early.
8.05am Where is bus?
8.15am Where is bus?! I could have set my alarm a full 30 minutes later and still have made it for the second bus. I am cheesed.
8.17am On bus to Partick. I’ll get the underground instead. Ha, in your face #90!
8.21am Fight my way off bus, leg it to Safeway. Buy yoghurt and a roll for soupy lunch
8.25am Why is there a queue of literally 40 people at the subway doors? I’ll stroll casually past them to the ticket machine, the fools!
8.26am Oh, it’s broken. Join queue, fuming. Why switch off all the ticket machines and then have only one window open to sell tickets? Why not have more windows open? Why not fix machines? Why not have man going down queue dishing out single tickets to people with right change? Why?
8.30am Make it downstairs to platform – train just left. Next one due in 6 minutes – PEAK TIME PEOPLE!!!
8.40am Off underground, on to bus. It arrives straight away.
8.41am Oh, look there’s mar-c. I can moan all about the annoying commute with her.
8.42am I hate kids. There is a screaming one on bus, yelling something about getting up to eat something. It’s crying like it’s just been slapped on the back of the legs.
8.43am Oh, it HAS just been slapped on back of legs. Good call, ned mum!
9.03am Make it to work – frazzled, tired and cheesed off more than usual
9.08am Open yoghurt – have picked up with bits instead of smooth. I hate life.